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I'm out of time. Sue in Delaware gave me a year to find assistance and a job and somewhere else to live. By July 1st, I'll need to start looking for somewhere else to live because even if I get rental assistance money from a charity or the state, I'm no longer welcome.
It's been suggested I find a shelter. The problem with that is I would lose everything I own. Those people don't take in a person's household, no matter how small it is. The compy would go, the furniture, the TV, VCR ... well, every damn thing.
What I'm dealing with. I live with constant pain created by nodules that have grown on my C2 to T7 vertebrae. That pain is primarily in my neck and head, which is severely limiting my ability to function as others do. I have loud ringing in my ears, which adds to the tension the pain creates. My memory is turning to crap and my concentration is for shit. I've been going to physical therapy but it wasn't working for my spine. I've found another physiatry doctor to see what I can learn there but no one has given me a definitive *diagnosis* for a disability claim.
I have called a few organizations, done a little prep work, but I haven't called SSA, haven't made appointments. I haven't gotten anything done where furthering education is concerned so I can find a way to work at home. This tells Sue that I haven't been making an effort or trying to improve my situation. As far as she can see, all I'm doing is taking up space (she hasn't said that but that's what it boils down to). I live rent-free, I ask for money for ride fare and prescriptions. I use up the usual stuff without paying for it: showers, toilet paper. I ask for coffee and milk before the end of the month because I haven't stretched my $200 food benefits.
As far as Sue can see, I'm not holding up my end. And she's completely right. I'm not. Patience has worn thin and frustration is high.
And so. Here I am, only slightly better off than I was in Washington (where medicaid is concerned). Why haven't I done what I needed to do in order to support myself?
I don't exactly know for sure other than I'm afraid and I can't quite pin down what it is I'm afraid of other than the constant pain I'm in all the time. I will balk and run from things that will make it worse. That includes talking to people on the phone and any kind of travel I have to do. After ten years, I'm at my wits end with this health crap. Sue doesn't understand what I've been dealing with and though I wish I'd get better understanding and leeway from her, I can't blame her for her anger at me.
So. Here I am again. Looking for another place to live. Barring that, money I can give Sue until I find a place. What I would *like* to do is what I *should* have been doing--getting something for the pain, getting some educational help, getting money for Sue, getting income of some kind, and leaving Sue's charity funding. Again, I haven't done these things because of the head and neck pain. No, it's not fair of me. Yes, I need to handle it. But ... I'm so fed up with this shit and all I do anymore is run away. Don't move, don't do a damn thing but type because the minute you do, you'll get that goddamn head and neck pain.
Have you ever had one of those sudden neck stingers when you turn your head suddenly? What happens when you experience that? Your attention is immediately diverted, you can only concentrate on that and you'll do whatever is required to immediately stop it. That's what I experience several times a damn day. After ten years, I'm not better, I'm getting worse, and worst of all, I'm not doing what I have to do to live on my own because I just freeze up and run away from any goddamn thing that will send me those head pains. Which is fucking everything, I swear to god.
So, shit, here I am, miserable excuse for an independent individual. Help? Anyone? Maybe? I don't wanna ask (because how fucking long have I been goddamn asking?), but I was requested I do so: If anyone can financially or some other way help out with rent or expenses that I can give to Sue, I will pray to the gods that you be awarded Nirvana as soon as possible. The state of grace, not the band. ;) Of course, grateful thanks would be offered too. And art. Fiction. I'm easy and willing to do *something* in exchange.
My blood pressure was 149/98 this morning, with no exercise. That's getting scary.
It's been suggested I find a shelter. The problem with that is I would lose everything I own. Those people don't take in a person's household, no matter how small it is. The compy would go, the furniture, the TV, VCR ... well, every damn thing.
What I'm dealing with. I live with constant pain created by nodules that have grown on my C2 to T7 vertebrae. That pain is primarily in my neck and head, which is severely limiting my ability to function as others do. I have loud ringing in my ears, which adds to the tension the pain creates. My memory is turning to crap and my concentration is for shit. I've been going to physical therapy but it wasn't working for my spine. I've found another physiatry doctor to see what I can learn there but no one has given me a definitive *diagnosis* for a disability claim.
I have called a few organizations, done a little prep work, but I haven't called SSA, haven't made appointments. I haven't gotten anything done where furthering education is concerned so I can find a way to work at home. This tells Sue that I haven't been making an effort or trying to improve my situation. As far as she can see, all I'm doing is taking up space (she hasn't said that but that's what it boils down to). I live rent-free, I ask for money for ride fare and prescriptions. I use up the usual stuff without paying for it: showers, toilet paper. I ask for coffee and milk before the end of the month because I haven't stretched my $200 food benefits.
As far as Sue can see, I'm not holding up my end. And she's completely right. I'm not. Patience has worn thin and frustration is high.
And so. Here I am, only slightly better off than I was in Washington (where medicaid is concerned). Why haven't I done what I needed to do in order to support myself?
I don't exactly know for sure other than I'm afraid and I can't quite pin down what it is I'm afraid of other than the constant pain I'm in all the time. I will balk and run from things that will make it worse. That includes talking to people on the phone and any kind of travel I have to do. After ten years, I'm at my wits end with this health crap. Sue doesn't understand what I've been dealing with and though I wish I'd get better understanding and leeway from her, I can't blame her for her anger at me.
So. Here I am again. Looking for another place to live. Barring that, money I can give Sue until I find a place. What I would *like* to do is what I *should* have been doing--getting something for the pain, getting some educational help, getting money for Sue, getting income of some kind, and leaving Sue's charity funding. Again, I haven't done these things because of the head and neck pain. No, it's not fair of me. Yes, I need to handle it. But ... I'm so fed up with this shit and all I do anymore is run away. Don't move, don't do a damn thing but type because the minute you do, you'll get that goddamn head and neck pain.
Have you ever had one of those sudden neck stingers when you turn your head suddenly? What happens when you experience that? Your attention is immediately diverted, you can only concentrate on that and you'll do whatever is required to immediately stop it. That's what I experience several times a damn day. After ten years, I'm not better, I'm getting worse, and worst of all, I'm not doing what I have to do to live on my own because I just freeze up and run away from any goddamn thing that will send me those head pains. Which is fucking everything, I swear to god.
So, shit, here I am, miserable excuse for an independent individual. Help? Anyone? Maybe? I don't wanna ask (because how fucking long have I been goddamn asking?), but I was requested I do so: If anyone can financially or some other way help out with rent or expenses that I can give to Sue, I will pray to the gods that you be awarded Nirvana as soon as possible. The state of grace, not the band. ;) Of course, grateful thanks would be offered too. And art. Fiction. I'm easy and willing to do *something* in exchange.
My blood pressure was 149/98 this morning, with no exercise. That's getting scary.
